I've never cared much about being in relationships but always felt that since I became "pretty" that I got noticed more by everyone and fitting in was slightly easier even with my social anxiety.

Cut to my late teens, I went to a mixed gender college (after an all-girls school) and for the first time started talking to boys, but as stated, didn't care about getting in a relationship.

People would always ask me what's going on between me and so and so (different boys), to which I would reply that I just talk to them (like I would to anyone) but I was quick to learn that when people are attracted to you, they will think if you're being nice you are possibly interested in them.

So even though I didn't do anything ( I was a virgin ) people basically had the idea I was chatting up boys.

As I started going out and getting drunk in clubs and boys would talk to me and I always felt like "is this leading them on, talking to them?"

Even though my libido is low, I had this weird feeling like... idk it is my duty? Like my looks are all that gets me through. So if they wanted to kiss, we would and if more... I would make myself even though I'm not turned on.

Even at my workplace I just feel my appearance is for some reason important, a really gross old businessman messaged me saying after we had a meeting he jacked off. I obviously banned him and felt so sick to my stomach.

I stopped going out drinking and will be at a new job, that I haven't yet started (so currently have no money) I don't really do much anymore and don't really have a friendship circle or anything and recently feel like I just need to meet someone... decent.

Since I don't go anywhere anymore, stupid me thought I'd try tinder. There was one guy that seemed nice, was actually talking with me without being pervy but then asked for my snapchat.

There I was again feeling like it was my duty, it ended up heading into the direction that I was trying to avoid until he.. finished.

I hate it so much, I always feel disgusted in myself. I don't even enjoy it so why do I care so much about not wanting to spoil a guy's excitement?

I feel like I can't even be in a relationship because I don't believe in love, I know people only like me for my looks, I don't trust people and my libido is just nearly dead because having sex obviously makes me feel miserable.

It's just like the idea that I can't have friends or a boyfriend, but at least people will whistle at me and tell me when they've jacked off.

I feel like I'm literally an object.