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I think that I have to accept that she is me. I can't leave her behind on the other side of the tunnel when I go to T's or anywhere else. The thing is--she hurts so much she scares me sometimes. The intensity of her emotions is frightening.

She needs a lot of love.

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I think healing does lie in accepting her and learning to love her and give her the kindness and gentleness and caring that no one else could. But yeah, it is so very hard. It IS scary to accept her because she brings those feelings and feelings are frightening things. Overwhelming.

I heard a quote once that went something like "that which we disown, owns us" and I find it to be so true. The more you push her away, the more she will be influencing your feelings/actions/life.

I think acceptance can come about, but is a long and scary path. I know there are some days I can treat my 10 year old kindly and some days I definately can't. I think I can accept that there will be fall backs, but gradually we will improve. I think you will too sister.

Remember to reduce things to little baby turtle steps. You don't need to accept her and feel her all at once. Try just talking gently to her without letting her take over. Try letting her write or draw something just before your session so T can help with her (you won't necessarily need to deal with her for days on your own).

Sending you some encouraging thoughts