Yes, a very vague question. Please bare with me.

So, for the past few years I've essentially been on autopilot. I don't remember much and I'm assuming this is from the high level of stress I've been under and the childhood trauma I experienced. I do know that I certainly did not expect to live this long. Not only was I suicidal, I also expected to simply drop dead before the age of 16. Now, here I am, past 16, and I'm not suicidal (or dead, haha.) That sense of impending doom, however, is still stuck with me. I don't have the motivation to live because I believe that I won't be around much longer. Now, a part of me says that this is nonsense and that I need to get my act together and plan for college. However, I don't feel like I am even alive. I'm still going through the motions, only I'm now aware of that fact. I feel dead and can rarely complete tasks that I am interested in, much less work for school.

I'm very lost and have no idea where to go from here. I need to care about the future, but I just can't bring myself to do it.