So, Piaf yesterday.

I went in meaning to talk about No. 3, because that’s bugging me again. So I already wasn’t in a great mood to start with, and when we sat down and she asked if I had an agenda for today, I froze up and spent the next ten minutes looking around her office in an unsuccessful attempt not to start weeping.

Trying to get myself back on track, I asked why there was a Bible on her bookcase (“It’s a good book, and it’s helpful when I have Christian clients.”) and what was in her mystery cupboard (her lunch and her purse) and if one of the certificates on her wall was new (no).

I asked if she was getting tired of playing patience on a monument. She said she could wait, she just wanted to check nothing specific had happened (no).

I also mentioned somewhere in there how I didn’t like how the last session ended (the “Go!” with a pointing at the door when I said I felt like going home and writing). She said she’d thought about it after I left and felt she shouldn’t have done it as it might seem “rudely dismissive.” I asked why she hadn’t mentioned that when I came in today. “It didn’t occur to me.”

Like 15 minutes in I finally got out the rest of the story (she’d heard about the session where 3 and the copy-paste apology 3 gave me for that. So we went through Smaug, then how everything finally seemed to be tied up when we had closure sessions last June until 3 contacted me against my wishes last fall and increased the downward spiral I was in then over work and the divorce. And so now nothing feels tied up and I am angry, hurt, and completely uncomprehending of 3 and her loose behavior around boundaries (which can then lead back to anger etc.).

It’s a long story even though I skimmed the Smaug/No. 2/DBC bit, so even though she’d come out to get me a few minutes early we were knocking up against the hour (she does a full 60 minutes). She asked a couple questions (why did I think this woman was so important to me? Well, because I saw her at truly the lowest point in my life and she helped me get through it, and hypothetically, would you ever want to see 3 again, even just passing in the street? No). I did tell her sometimes the way she and I talk reminds me of 3 and me, which after she confirmed this wasn’t a problem, led to her suggesting I might always find therapy hard and painful because of various bad experiences. (I didn’t tell her it’s always been hard and painful.)

Then she asked if there was anything I needed before I left. I said it seemed like a big high school drama to me and I hated that. She shrugged. I cracked, “not into reassurance, huh?” And she shook her head, and said, “I would tell you what I thought, but it would seem condescending, so I won’t.”

Which hit me completely the wrong way, probably because the 3 saga is easily the most personal thing I’ve told her and it hurts to tell it. Either tell me or don’t, don’t leave me wondering. I snapped at her, “but you can tell me it’s condescending?” and got up and left.

Which meant she didn’t get to fill out her little piece of paper with services rendered and the next appointment she does at the end of session. So I emailed her last night, confirmed the next appointment, and added I would mail her a letter (Piaf is old-fashioned) explaining what went wrong and we could talk about it next time. She wrote back: