Hello Maria: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this quandary. And I'm not sure there's really much of anything I can offer either. (By the way, I'm 69.) The situation, as you describe it, is I'm afraid one of those situations to which there are no simple answers. I have to say that, given all of the challenges you mentioned that continuing to be in a relationship with this man would pose, I'm inclined to say it simply may not be "in the cards", as we used to say, except perhaps as a permanent long distance relationship. At the same time, though, as the old saying goes... love conquers all. So I suppose anything is possible.

I think, to some extent, this is a question of whether or not you have enough love for this man to carry the two of you over all of the obstacles an in-person relationship would impose. (You clearly know what they all are.) And, in order to figure that out, perhaps you may need to see if you can find a counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can explore what you are feeling & how to handle it. I think this is a process that could take some time & effort.

I do think though that if you would come to the decision you simply cannot foresee this relationship becoming anything more than it already is that it is important you tell your friend so as clearly & concisely as possible. It may seem as though allowing him to continue to dream is the kind thing to do. But my personal opinion would be that it's potentially just setting him up for deeper grief down the road. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you both well...

P.S. One other thought I would just like to mention is that it is one thing to have a fantastic relationship with a person long distance, or even up-close-&-personal if you're not actually living together. It's quite something else to live together day-in & day-out. I've read quite a few posts, here on PC, written by members (women primarily) who thought they had found the man of their dreams but who learned too late they had married a monster. Given what you would potentially have to go though to be with this gentleman, you may want to be cautious. Call me paranoid. But, as the saying goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you...