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I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this quandary. And I'm not sure there's really much of anything I can offer either. (By the way, I'm 69.) The situation, as you describe it, is I'm afraid one of those situations to which there are no simple answers. I have to say that, given all of the challenges you mentioned that continuing to be in a relationship with this man would pose, I'm inclined to say it simply may not be "in the cards", as we used to say, except perhaps as a permanent long distance relationship. At the same time, though, as the old saying goes... love conquers all. So I suppose anything is possible.

@@@ that is what breaks my heart. that it might not be in the cards. Is that why all those tragic love songs are written then? I was thinking the same thing. A permanent long distance. He truly believe there is some way it can work but that borders on delusion almost. Love doesn't conquer all i don't think when there are borders and laws. It just is which makes me so sad but I didn't have to do this.

I think, to some extent, this is a question of whether or not you have enough love for this man to carry the two of you over all of the obstacles an in-person relationship would impose. (You clearly know what they all are.) And, in order to figure that out, perhaps you may need to see if you can find a counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can explore what you are feeling & how to handle it. I think this is a process that could take some time & effort.
@@@@ I wish I had funds to do that. Such good advice!... 'sigh'...I sought this forum out as I didn't know where to turn. My friends don't think I should be in this as it is too heartbreaking for me so their advice is jaded.

I do think though that if you would come to the decision you simply cannot foresee this relationship becoming anything more than it already is that it is important you tell your friend so as clearly & concisely as possible. It may seem as though allowing him to continue to dream is the kind thing to do. But my personal opinion would be that it's potentially just setting him up for deeper grief down the road. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you both well...
@@@! that's what I was wondering. I think once he realizes he won't be able to separate from his son easily in another home it's too sad to suddenly abandon him even though he, in his age, can't do it forever, he has a couple of good years where he still could. I've told him I would NEVER ask anything of him in that regard as he one day would grow to resent me. So, it will just end up being a long distance for as long as we can stand although I don't want to witness him age so quickly if he remains caretaker....It isn't good to put myself through that either, noit with my stress related auto immune disease.

P.S. One other thought I would just like to mention is that it is one thing to have a fantastic relationship with a person long distance, or even up-close-&-personal if you're not actually living together. It's quite something else to live together day-in & day-out. I've read quite a few posts, here on PC, written by members (women primarily) who thought they had found the man of their dreams but who learned too late they had married a monster. Given what you would potentially have to go though to be with this gentleman, you may want to be cautious. Call me paranoid. But, as the saying goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you... [/QUOTE]
@@@ oh yes, I get that..totally I do. paranoid is not always a bad thing ;-)

thankyou for your wisdom and support. I will try to put his past out of my head, focus on our upcoming get together in August and that is it!... If after this year his living situation with his son remains I think by then he will realize, although I am the love of his life, somtimes, love isn't enough either.