Hi

I'v not been on for a while. But here I am.

Things are bad. I am clean and healthy now, eating clean, not drinking, exercising (not getting sleep or meditation), but otherwise ok.

However currently I am depressed and irritable a lot of the time. Having a hard time with intense racing thoughts, pressured speech.

This past 6 months I was on the road a lot, I am a musician. I was drinking and smoking a TON, not sleeping, in constant flux, all so bad for bipolar. One thing that happens when I really slip into bipolar hell, is a kind of sexual mania, I am so ashamed of this, but I get into porn, cybersex, phone sex etc. The next day I feel like a different person, and cannot even imagine how I even wanted that. But it keeps happening if I am drinking especially.

Apparently I called a line but card didn't cover it and a piece of mail came to my house about it and my wife figured out what it was and now she is destroyed. We were already totally on the rocks, in therapy, considering separation. I can't imagine she won't leave me, which means I won't get to raise my daughter if that happens, and I'd miss her terribly. I am beside myself and I don't know what to do. I feel like such a fool, I hate myself totally right now. I mean, am I a sociopath? How could I do this to her? I knew this would hurt her and I just did it, what is the matter with me???!!!

Please, any advice or just sharing any relevant stories would be very helpful right now.

I am a husk, not feeling suicidal, but getting there.
Please help
MT