Hey. Well today wasn’t as shatty as yesterday so I’m gonna call that a win. It’s funny, people who try to talk people out of being depressed Lways try to cheer them up by comparing it something they see as worse. “There are lots of people worse off the you. At least you dont have ...”. Which is usually some bad physical illness.

As someone who has experienced both , physical illness is easier. In fact, it almost legitimizes my feeling like shiit. Bc I have a reason for feeling bad now. And people are nice and go out of their way to help medically sick people. Anyway I suppose both illness just totally suck but I hate when people try to play the lets compare pain card, as a way to shame you into stop being mentally ill bc others are auffering with some worse illness...

So this was just a rant. Not sure if I even had a point. AnywY I am not doing so great. I’m okay, but I am NOT FINE. My mind is a hot mess of crazy lately. I am safe and still have some hope in my pocket, but I’m ashamed to say that I cannot promise myself that if things got much worse that I wouldn’t consider checking out early as an option.

So I have to stay vigilant and not let myself get pulled down any further. I’m just tired of hanging on to the edge of the world so tightly, with no one at all on my side. I feel alone and invisible and defective and pathetic. I just want things to NOT BE SO HARD all the time. Why is it that both my body and my brain keep trying to kill me???!!!