I've never been on a site like this, but found it by googling how to get rid of depression and get thoughts of suicide out of my head. I don't have intentions of doing it, but that doesn't stop the thoughts. I've been on Prozac for a few months now and it's made a big difference. But on days where I don't have plans or work (or some days when I call-in sick to work because I'm too depressed), I take forever to get out of bed, and then go back to bed for naps. I don't shower, I eat so much junk food that I make myself sick, and then I feel ashamed when my husband gets home from work because I couldn't motivate myself to do anything and I just feel like a lazy slob. He knows about my depression, but I'm scared that he will leave me one day because of it.

I've pushed everyone away in my life who has ever been a friend to me (or they hurt me and I stopped being friends with them). I have no girlfriends in my life. I'm 33 and married to an amazing man. We have a great house and I have a great job, but I feel so very alone. My husband tries to help, but he's never had anyone in his life or family with depression or mental illness, so he struggles sometimes with how to cope with me.

I think I want to change and have friends and people that I'm close to, but then at the same time, I like not having to put in the energy to make small talk and get to know people. I feel like having friendships takes way too much work, and people will probably just hurt you one day, so what's the point.

I don't know what I'm looking for on this forum, maybe it's just an outlet to say things to others that I've only said to myself. A safe place where I can hide behind a screen but be vulnerable and let my guard down.

Why do I feel so empty and worthless? How do I motivate myself to make changes to get rid of this darkness that hangs over me?