I don’t consciously ‘mess with my meds.’

This past week has been brutal and my medications have been erratic for days at a time... crap, all week. I’m generally very good about adhering to my med schedule. I think that, given my illnesses, my meds do a good job of, e.g., keeping my heart functional, helping with my diabetes, and keeping my head from exploding.

I, too, am throttling and oddly depressed.

I’m not sure what you mean when you write that taking my meds means that I relinquish control of everything. For me, things get really ****ed up when I feel that I’m in control of everything.

I don’t believe in destinies or fates or special purposes or anything like that. I think that we’re born, that we live life as equipped and that we die. If we establish any legacies they are probably children rather than Nobel prizes or a tomb like Tutankhamen. Those children may or may not reproduce. If you’re lucky — really lucky — you may have a high school named after you, or a stretch of road.

But, really? You need a tomb of gold to really catch on.

I play a game, sometimes, trying to determine how long it will take for me to be forgotten (not to be confused with the “right to be forgotten” crowd). My only progeny has a fake birth certificate (as do I) and, although I emailed him last month I’m not expecting a reply. Decades from now, my son will be a genealogical freak. He’s already a mental freak — thanks to dear old expired and unnamed dad — who would expect otherwise? He knows me, or of me. If he has children my illnesses may be relayed but not my name. My gawd, I wanted to name him after my father but I thought that saddling him with my queer last name was bad enough. Should have done it. She talked me out of it.

No more than three generations, four tops.

My mania isn’t quite in control and there’s a log of depression that keeps bonking against my right cerebrum.

I can no longer be in control.

Right now, though, I’m worried that my head will explode in the next few hours, so my psych meds might need adjusting.