This is an interesting thread for me, LT. Interesting, because when I read about your current therapist, I often feel that I relate to how he thinks, communicates, approaches your relationship and the work with you. Of course I may be wrong, it's hard to accurately get someone based on indirect and limited descriptions (reading on this forum) but I find that this kind of familiarity feeling based on reading about someone quite often has a lot of truth in it for me.

Assuming this is not entirely wrong, what I think is that your T and yourself probably have a dose of differences in personality, perception, thinking and emotional style, natural focus and how you prefer to tackle problems. From all I have read, this is what seems most likely to me to cause the occasional misunderstandings and discomfort on both ends. He seems to have a clear interest and curiosity to understand you though and to stretch his natural/current limits, but it's normal that it only gets so far in the moment, especially in spontaneous reactions. Again, I can give an example from my own world. I am very interested in reading about the depths of attachment styles, how different people experience it, including all the posts here on PC struggling with it in therapy. But it never feels overly familiar to me on very personal levels, much more intriguing stories from others' lives, and there is a certain limit on how much I can take of it before it (now I'll be honest) creeps me out a bit. I know well that this reflects my own personality, attachment style and preferences but it still works in this way and it would be impossible for me to change many of my in-the-moment reactions drastically for the sake of pretending that I understand and feel the same on emotional levels. I think one can get endless amount of education and training, these natural personality styles do not go away completely.

Based on the above, I agree with you that trying to explain your perspectives and personal goals to him in various ways is a good strategy. But if you do it the way you do on this forum, I think it's more than good enough - you are indeed very articulate and have quite an outstanding focus and eye to detail and nuances. I can tell you this is a main reason I enjoy reading your posts on this forum as well - you often write about feelings, reactions, orientation to other people that are not so familiar to me but I find it interesting to hear and you explain it so well. What draws me in more is your detailed analyses and interpretations - now this feels much more familiar than the feelings themselves.

The great explanations do not mean that someone who has this different default emotional and cognitive orientation from you will be able to react to it as you desire, even recognize immediately how his reactions and feedback might affect you when there is interaction in the moment (such as in session). Even provide the kind of support you desire, with lots of reassurance and "all is fine" feedback. He might simply think that it's not his role and primary skill to provide that sort of encouragement, which may be his weakness, but perhaps also something you can use to do things differently?

I think that, to make such a combo work and beneficial in the long run, it needs tailoring and adjustment on both ends, from both parties - this may be why he emphasizes that he wants to be open and honest with you about some of his reactions. You may perceive it as blunt and too direct at times, or he may make lame jokes that feel inappropriate for you, but I think he also makes it clear to you often that he has particular elements in his work style and he will use them regardless of what is expected of him, will give feedback using his own natural preferences. And it's clear that the kind of deep psychodynamic/transference-based orientation is not his first choice of working even though he shows an obvious interest. I would not expect this interest to be limitless though and would not want to change him / mold him into your imagination - yes that would be the "transference work" but perhaps not the best use of him and his skills? Instead - do you find his natural work style, observations and feedback useful? If so, I really think that what others suggest, a two-way adjustment and meeting each-other where you both are, might be a more realistic and potentially beneficial approach to get constructive things out of this therapy in your everyday life.

I hope you don't get this post negatively, I am definitely not the person who wants to defend therapists in general, but yours just keeps giving me these feelings of familiarity to some of my own style and the source of some of my conflicts with people. So I thought I would share the thoughts. Again, I feel your explanations really don't need improvement, they are great as they are, very clear and detailed. Probably the challenge is more, for you both, to adjust to each-other better - for the sake of improving your everyday life and relationships, less so for the sake of the comfort of therapeutic relationship per se? Otherwise, have you ever worked with a psychoanalyst, a T whose primary orientation is that? I think those are the people who would be most likely interested and willing to do very deep transference-based work.