Blondie tonight.

She said she’d been expecting to talk to me Friday and had wanted to be there for me emotionally (I’d blown her off Friday am). I just repeated that I was exhausted — truth but not the whole truth. I’d also been a bit hurt that when I’d texted her post my procedure (at her specific, repeated request that I do so) with a short summary of what it’d entailed, all she sent back was a robotic two short lines that basically gave me an appointment time (as if all that was standing between me and my fate was a precious therapy session with her).

I wouldn’t have bothered texting if I’d known that’s what she’d do — I was exhausted as it is. And, this isn’t the first time she’s gotten weird and squirrelly about any out-of-session communication — she did equally weird stuff when I was in the hospital and at other times as well (even when she has initiated contact). So, I guess she’s clearly ambivalent and concerned about my breaking boundaries, which just feels really hurtful given that I’ve been seeing her all this while and (hopefully) haven’t given her any reason to feel like I would. I also know (from random remarks) that she does exchange emails / texts (not just for scheduling) with others but somehow gets really weird when it comes to me. However, I do know she’s gone out of her way to do a whole lot of stuff for me and so, I didn’t want to nitpick and be an arse about it — so just dropped it.

I also told her a bit more in detail about my mom’s response when I came out to her. Blondie told me she was sad for me (I am actually okay with where my mom is at) and so, I told her that I do understand that it can feel like the loss of a dream for a parent when their child comes out to them. So, she told me that she’d have no problem if her sons chose male partners — I looked at her quizzically (I don’t think she’s homophobic but I also don’t think she’s so very progressive that she’d totally be cool if her kids show up with a partner of the same sex).

She finally said that she thinks her kids don’t have to make that decision now and there’s plenty of time (her older kid is 16 or so). I was really tempted to challenge her and ask if she’d say the same thing “They don’t have to decide” if they came home with an opposite sex partner? Or, is this homily of not-deciding-now only to be given at the prospect of facing a queer relationship of some sort? But, again, I just don’t think she has the depth to sort it out — I suspect she’ll be hurt if I asked her this stuff and anyhow it’s not my business to change her mindset, as long as she remains generally okay with me.

Gah.