Hey guys, I'm a 33 year old male who is going through some serious depression almost suicidal. I come from a big family, when I was about 5 years old my older brother and sister who were about 11, basically fooled around with me, just fooling around. When I was about 7-10, whenever my male cousin came to visit we would kind of do the exact same thing, I never really thought anything about it. When I was about 11 years old, I was influenced a lot from pornography on the internet. I started getting curious. I've always had kind of intrusive thoughts through out my life, just kind of some dark thoughts. I was curious and really never thought much about it, but a few years ago it came back into my mind like a freight train. I feel absolutely terrible about it, I just was really curious about it and for some reason didn't think it was a big deal back then. I just hate myself so much for these thoughts and I don't know how to care for myself. I pray and pray but I can never forgive myself. I just really need help and I'm sorry if this was hard for you to read. Thanks