Well... I'm not a mental health professional.  But, to me, what you're experiencing sounds like depression. I've read through your posts & I don't recall you mentioning if you see a therapist.  If not, that's probably the thing to be doing. And then there are, of course, antidepressant medications you can try too. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of coping with depression:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/need-h...sode-try-this/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/strateg...ng-depression/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...-without-meds/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-ma...ic-depression/
 
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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