Quote:
Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans
My thought reading this thread LT is how hard you have work to teach this man something about attachment. Not all T's work on attachment and that's fine, but it sounds like this is a really important thing for you (as it is for me). He doesn't sound harmful or abusive but sort of lacking in skill in an area that is of key interest and importance to you.
I have 3 questions when I read this:
1) does he have amazing compensatory skills in other key areas that are really important and helpful to you?
|
That's a good question. Yes, I feel he does. I feel like I was making good progress with him--much more than with ex-T--which is what made me want to keep trying.
Quote:
|
2) is it worth your time and money to train your therapist to develop what some would consider to be basic therapy skills so that he can work with you on what clearly sounds like your main issue?
|
Also a good thing to consider...sometimes I think he should be paying me for providing him with continuing education!
Quote:
|
3) what is the risk of harm to you in working on such a deep issue with a therapist who is so far outside his comfort zone?
|
Definitely a risk...but then, I think how ex-MC *is* psychodynamically trained and comfortable working with transference and...where did that get me? Yes, it was in the context of marriage counseling, so I couldn't work on it the same way, but...I could see where some of the same storyline would have played out if I'd been in individual therapy with him. Because he seemed to encourage the attachment and transference and dependence (until...suddenly he didn't). So maybe I do need a T who does NOT encourage that...
Quote:
On the other hand...
As I have mentioned in other places, attachment is my hardest, most intense issue. I need a therapist who is rock solid in this area. But it sounds like you are A LOT more able to chitchat about your attachment needs and challenge your T and tell him if you feel shamed than I can. So maybe this opportunity to articulate and advocate for your needs with a willing and interested person is in itself therapeutic for you.
Maybe it's a corrective emotional experience with a person who is skilled enough to be safe but genuinely uninformed enough that you need to spell things out, and it is the spelling out that is corrective?
|
Yes, this rings true for me. It's a way for me to practice speaking up and advocating for my needs. And telling someone that they upset me in a "safer" environment than outside relationships. Note that I definitely was not this comfortable advocating for my needs in the past, including with ex-T and ex-MC (aside from closer to the end with him). I really think my current T is empowering me in some ways, making me feel like I do deserve certain things and to speak up for them (see: one of his strengths).
Quote:
|
If that is true, then I think you DON'T actually need any help explaining this to him. I think you are doing a fantastic job and whether he ends up getting you is secondary. In my opinion, as satisfying and warm a feeling as it is to be understood, one's therapy cannot be about the pursuit of the therapist's aha! moment. Maybe your therapy is about understanding and practicing articulating your attachment needs so that you can ultimately do that in your non-therapy relationships. Yes?
|
Thanks--you're right about it not just being looking for the aha moment. I guess really, it's more about the client's aha moments... I think part of why I was so attached to ex-MC was because I felt so incredibly understood by him...except then in the end it didn't seem I was so understood at all. Or at least not when it was really important. Plus he was more likely to say "Here's what I think is going on with you. This is something coming from childhood," like if I was upset with him about something. When...sometimes it was just something in the present. So he tried to explain me, which kept me from having to understand and explain myself (hope that makes sense!)
So maybe I do puzzle current T a bit (or a lot!) and maybe he's never going to fully understand me. Maybe...explaining myself to him will enable me to better understand myself and thus potentially explain myself to others? I made a comment to H last night about how at the end of yesterday's session, T was saying how he thought it went well, what did I think. I said I thought it went well, too, then I started crying. He was like, "Wait, you just said it went well, why are you crying?" I said out of relief maybe? I shared that with H, saying I know I can be confusing with stuff like that, and he agreed. So maybe by better understanding my reactions (and needs) with T, it can help me in my marriage (and other relationships).