I had an extra session with T on Friday because I feel like I'm out of control. Yes, I've emailed him more then once a week when once a week was the schedule. I rarely call him, but did call him Thursday morning because I was upset with what was going on with us.

So, the first thing that happened on Friday's session was that he said that we could go to two times a week. He then said that I cannot email him anymore - okay fair. I had emailed him asking, "Where are you?" He told me that it wasn't good to keep asking him where he is, what he is doing. Actually, I asked him that because he told me that he thinks I carry him with me between sessions. Since I've been so upset, I was asking him, "Where are you?" because I didn't feel him with me. Then he said that the only reason that he should receive a call from me is if I need to be hospitalized. I felt like he had punched me in the face. I've never abused this, in fact I rarely call him. I feel like such a f@#$@ing freak! I started bawling. He asked what I was thinking. I told him that I felt like I was being punished for being so obsessive, or just being me. It hurt so much.

I've been really angry lately, and he told me that he did not deserve some of the things that I said to him (like I told him that he didn't care). I really felt bad. Here is someone who I really care for, who I am upset because he'll never care for me in the same way, -- I just don't get it.

My head hurts so bad from all of this stress. I am ruminating obsessively constantly. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. Work is so stressful, but I have to go and act normal.

I hate being dependent on someone else. He has all of the power. I told him that the only power I have is suicide (just a statement there, I'm not planning on doing this). He told me he is seeing me twice a week because he cares and to focus on that. I realize that I focus on the negative but at this point I can't stop. WILL THIS EVER END?