Major depressive episode. No IP (although pdoc mentioned the idea).

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t been around.

Gosh, this sounds like my last check in.

Just read a study that antidepressants cause memory loss. Benzos and now AD’s, too?

I shelled out a bunch of money for a series of Ketamine infusion treatments. Start tomorrow, twice a week for three weeks. Hoping this will help jumpstart my PTSD therapy, too. $1,100 in therapy flushed down the toilet. My EMDR therapy is stalled...so going to try ketamine as it may help.

It may help my OCD, too, which is off the charts for the past few months.

A psychologist at the ketamine center is going to be my “trip sitter” tomorrow (my words). She said some patients talk, some don’t. I figure if I happen to recall the first 13years of my life and mention it, I want someone to write it down!!! To bring to my PTSD therapist.

Pdoc raised Lexapro to 20 mg.

PMDD is the devil. If you don’t know what that is, good. If you do...I commiserate.

The Ketamine depression treatments aren’t known to last long. My boyfriend, whom I trust, urged me to try the ketamine treatments. But it won’t be a long term thing. I can’t afford it and there isn’t enough research on it.

Some people get “bad trips.” Hopefully I’ll have a good experience and I really want to feel better, even just for a little bit...and it would be huge to get some PTSD resolved.

House is for sale and is officially on the market. Two other people on my street immediately decide to do the same, ugh. . Stepdad’s estate is lagging.

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, pdoc and pain mgmt doc are getting on me. Yes, I’m medically underweight but not that much, geez. It’s like they are going to send in the Calvary. I ate an entire pint of Haagen-Daaz yesterday so there, lol.

I do have hope for my future. I think the mental illness will always be around and definitely the chronic pain.

I’m not psychic (nor psychotic atm lol), but I’m seeing myself going through a very hard time in the future....within the next six months to a year or two years.

But that I will be living in a new area with a healthier (less triggering) area and surrounded by nature. I already have waterproof hiking boots, lol. I may get a dog. I was thinking two dogs but I am getting purebred first time in my life (always shelter cats and one dog ... had a bad experience with the dog, not his fault and I kept him).

I want to raise a puppy, train him with a trainer, and the dog I want is called a Shiloh. They are loyal dogs and want to please their owners...they are not resistant to training (some dogs are stubborn) at all...but training IS important.

They need a lot of exercise and I want to buy several acres of land to go hiking a few times a day...and a dog will force me to go do that. I thought about getting two puppies but these are big dogs, so one is enough, lol. Plus my two cats will adapt more easily and they are my sweet guys.

Thanks if you’re still reading.

I read check in and I’m sending prayers to those of you having hard times, I know there are several of you. And high fives to those of you that are on the up side.

I’ll post after my k-hole.