I was so depressed today I literally slept all day. From 9am till 4pm. I was just in a **** it, I don’t care, I’m not gonna fight it mood. I was depressed more when I woke up because I felt like a failure for giving in. I really wanted to self harm. But instead I took my son to dinner and did the whole “smile fake it til you make it” thing and it actually helped me feel better. I made an eye appointment with my mom (she works for an eye doctor). Then I sat outside for a little bit while my son played. He went to youth group and I couldn’t face going home and sitting alone so I took an hour drive, which usually helps calm me because I can listen to my music as loud as I want and vape. I feel better now. Not totally great but I don’t want to self harm anymore.

I have another job interview tomorrow for a receptionist at a chiropractor. The only thing is they’re looking for someone to work until six sometimes and I can only do that on Tuesday and Friday. And I’m not sure when I’d fit therapy in, especially if my schedule shifted every week. I can’t not do therapy. Or miss dr appointments. I will be devastated if I have to switch from my therapist. I love her so much.

But that’s in the future. Who knows if I’ll even get the job. I might not. In fact I probably won’t unless I can really charm them because I have zero experience. But they read my resume; they should know that already.