Hello pconst: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!
I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.
There is a forum, here on PC, dedicated to the subject of anxiety. Here's a link:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/anxiety-panic-phobias/
Yes... when you consider what life is all about... & human life in particular... it really is all very strange.
I don't know as there is much of anything I could offer to help you get over what you're struggling with. But perhaps it's not necessarily important to focus on the subject matter of your particular concerns, but rather to focus simply on the fact that you're struggling with a lot of anxiety along with intrusive thoughts & rumination in general. (I don't really know. That's just my personal non-professional opinion.)
You mentioned thinking you might need to see a psychiatrist. But you don't want to take medicines. I'm not on any medications. So I can understand how you feel about this. My personal feeling is that what may be preferable would be for you to find a mental health therapist you feel comfortable with & work with that person over a period of time. Then, as time passes, should you feel the need, the question of you seeing a psychiatrist can be revisited.
Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of rumination. They're not going to address the particular subject matter you're concerned with. But hopefully they can provide you with some insight into the topic of rumination in general:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...tuck-thoughts/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-ru...d-how-to-stop/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-ru...mes-a-problem/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-re...uce-the-cycle/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/artfu...lp-to-stop-it/
Also... there is such a thing as existential depression. And perhaps this also touches upon what you're experiencing. So here are links to articles on that subject as well:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is...al-depression/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping...al-depression/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/existe...human-anxiety/
My best wishes to you.
