I hate that my neighbors are drug dealers. I can never tell if someone is acting weird because they want to break into the house or because they want drugs. I hate that off meds I'm miserable, but on meds I'm more miserable but am less chaotic. I feel like it's been a week since I've gone five hours without some sort of meltdown, but I feel like it's still better than relying on doctors, pharmacies, insurance companies, and little bits of substances to keep me at the point I am unable to physically and mentally figure out how to kill myself.