I didn't write here yesterday, my memory of the session might not be so good now, but I didn't have the emotional energy to write yesterday.
So I went in and told him about what I thought the disconnection was, about seeing the therapeutic frame and feeling jarred by it. He asked how it felt to see the frame, and I showed him a poem I wrote about that. He misinterpreted a bit of it and I corrected him. He thought I was saying that the nice parts of the relationship are difficult to bear in general, whereas I was saying they are difficult to bear when I am reminded they only exist within the frame. When I clarified he just said "Oh! That's helpful!". Something felt inauthentic, I'm not sure why.
I told him I had a dream about him where he was a dentist as well as a therapist and I was going to see him as a dentist (thinking "yay, I get to spend an extra hour with him this week") but I was late and I couldn't find the dental surgery, and when I got there he wouldn't let me see him, he stood behind my chair and he wouldn't talk to me; I had to answer dental history questions on a touch screen in front of me and he wouldn't say anything or come into my view.
I think it's a really interesting dream, obviously relates to my disconnection from him recently, but he just said "I don't know what to make of that". So I was like "me neither" and that was it. He didn't even ask me if I had any thoughts about it. Normally when I tell him about a dream he is like "what really stands out to me is x, what do you make of that?" but it was like he didn't want to engage with it at all.
We talked again about feeling jarred, and he asked how that relates to two figures in my past who seem to be central to a lot of my trauma - my mother and my deceased ex. I came up with a concrete example for my ex but couldn't think of any for my mother. I said I could remember some from my Dad and we talked a lot about my Dad and the times he confused or shocked me when I was little, including one thing that I didn't remember and he had told me about (which I think I have forgotten due to the traumatic nature of it). I said it's interesting that I've forgotten clearly the most traumatic thing my Dad ever did. Maybe I remember most of the other things because my Dad was a figure of safety, and I've forgotten all of the bad stuff with my Mum (whom I am certain is central to a lot of my trauma) because she was so unsafe my unconscious has blanked it. Reflecting on it now, it's possible I learnt to dissociate back then. As I was describing myself as a baby, I referred to myself as "it" instead of "I" which my T pointed out to me, as it showed how disconnected I am from my child self.
My T was really engaged and helpful throughout this discussion. I think he was more comfortable with my history than stuff relating to my relationship with him. It's so weird because he's never had a problem discussing our relationship in the past.
There was about 20 minutes left. I said "I am conscious that this is our last session for 10 days and our last Wednesday for over a month". I was quiet. I wanted to ask him whether he had remembered that I asked him to write me a letter for the break (We have a 10 day break while I'm away then another 25 days while he's away) but I was really scared of the answer.
T said "that's shifted the tone". He asked what was happening. I said "what do you think I am thinking?" he said "you might be wondering whether I've remembered what you asked me to do." which was AMAZINGLY perceptive of him. I said he was spot on. He said he had started the letter but hadn't finished it, and asked if it was okay to give it to me in 10 days. I said that was fine. He asked me if I wanted the transitional object he offered me today, so that we only have to remember one thing next time (I would not have forgotten it, of course, but I still wanted it for my 10 day break). I nodded and he handed it to me. I played with it for a while (it's a fidget toy he always plays with) and then I said "how can you play with this all the time, it's so distracting!" and I put it in my bag as he laughed.
We talked a little about the anticipated stresses associated with my break, and how I can manage those. We stood up and hugged and I left.
After the session I wondered whether he was overthinking the letter and whether that was a cause of the disconnection. I still feel like it's him, not wanting to engage, specifically about therapeutic relationship stuff. I don't think it really is just me withdrawing after being jarred by the frame. It is so unsettling, I don't know if it is the letter or what. What if he resents me asking him to write it?
I sent him an email telling him not to stress about the letter and asking him not to reply. I'm not going to see him now until 2nd June, and that will be the last time until 27th June. It's going to be a tough month.