T retrieved me and made a comment about the pattern on my shirt reminding him of a particular children's toy. I agreed and we tried to recall the name of it. We sat, he asked how I was doing, I said pretty good, just tired.

Something came up about the past few sessions, and I made reference to the "rupture." T said, "Or repair." Me: "Well, now it's repaired, but I think it kind of was a rupture." I said it might be weird for him that I use lots of therapy terms like that. T: "I just know not to use 'transitional object'" (referencing the stone that had ignited the rupture). I smiled. T: "Maybe that wasn't appropriate to joke about." Me: "No, it's OK. I was just joking about this topic with a friend actually." I said how people would talk on PC about missing their T's, and I felt like I just had to say I was missing "the therapy room." T laughed and said that was funny. I think all that helped to break the ice.

I said I was trying to figure out what to work on today. How we'd discussed addressing trauma stuff, that I'd had that list I wanted to work on with ex-T, but then ex-MC's wife died, and it derailed that. How I couldn't find that list so typed up a new one. T asked how I felt about doing that, was it upsetting for me? I said I think it helped me to type it, like I tried to categorize them by time period. That I was looking at lists of possible trauma online and trying to brainstorm. That I wasn't sure how to begin with the 2-page list (held it up to T). He asked if I'd feel really vulnerable having him read the list. I said I didn't know, how some of it might not even make sense without my giving context. How some of it, he might look at and think, "Why would that even be traumatic?" Like it might be specific to me.

He asked if they were all individual events. I said it was a mix, how some were just like, "dealing with anxiety as a kid, while my parents didn't support me." While others were, for example, "Had to get rescued from drowning in the ocean by a lifeguard," which is clearly an incident. T: "Whoa." (meanwhile, I'd thought that one might not have been considered a big deal...)

T said it might be helpful to put them in categories, like he wondered if some could be grouped together. I said yeah, like a bunch from adolescence could fit under "feeling anxiety but not being understood." Like my mom had cancer (survived), and it seemed like her feelings (even when she was doing well) took precedence over my mental illness. Me: "Which I guess it should, but..." T: "How did that make you feel?" Me: "Like physical health was more important than mental health. I mean, I guess it was life-threatening for my mom, but..."

T said something about my feeling like a burden because of my mental health issues, and I said yes. He said he got the sense that was still an issue for me. I said, "Yes, like with H for example." T: "Or with me." Me: "True..." T: "Experiencing it in childhood, then with me, that would be transference." Me: (wanting to say, "no ****! that's what I've been trying to tell you is what I wanted to deal with" but not): "Yes exactly." He mentioned "transference" again later in session, like maybe he's getting more comfortable using the word or something...

He said it would be good to discuss coping mechanisms I developed to deal with feeling like a burden, how maybe I'm still using them. That for example if I'd gone to my mom and told her about my anxiety issues, and she was like, "Oh everyone worries," then I wouldn't go to her anymore. I said that was basically what happened when I was depressed in high school. T: "Maybe that's what I was thinking of." I said either way, taught me to keep feelings inside. We talked about my being a "good kid," compliant, followed rules, did well in school. What did that get me? Praise, acceptance.

I mentioned my best friend in first grade, how seeing her recently, she talked about how it was like she was the leader, while I followed, like with playing. I said I hadn't thought of it that way before, but made sense. I said how it felt like her mom thought I was weird, especially after she sent her to religious school. How I remembered one Christmas, when we were all together, my friend coming up in my room and wanting me to play Depeche Mode for her, which to her was being bad. Me to T: "You have heard of Depeche Mode, right?" T: "Yes, but I didn't think they were so evil compared to some other bands." Me: "Well, there was this song 'Blasphemous Rumors.'" (Oddly, when I stopped at a local taphouse to get a drink after T's, they were playing Depeche Mode...)

Talked more about music, role it played in my life. I said how when I worked at mall as teen, I'd go to Sam Goody (I know, I'm old!) on my lunch break to buy music. That I'd then hide it in my coat because my parents said I bought too much of it. (I clarified that I bought it, didn't steal it!) T asked where those CDs and cassettes were now. I said I got rid of most cassettes, since they don't last, but kept CD cases, even though I uploaded them. T said like a collection then, and I agreed.

I talked about this band I got really into in high school, adding, "I definitely wouldn't expect you to have heard of them." T: "You really get into some lesser-known bands, don't you?" I said how as a teen, I'd gone with my friend to see that band play at a Catholic university (my dad was really cool and dropped us off, then picked us up). And the lead singer made a rather...blasphemous comment that I won't repeat here at the Virgin Mary painting he was performing in front of. I really enjoyed the show, but felt guilty and listened to a bunch of Amy Grant (a Christian pop singer) that weekend as a form of penance. T was rather amused by that.

I also shared how I published a fanzine (sort of a newsletter thing) for that band, got my own PO box so my parents wouldn't know, made photocopies at local convenience store, etc. T seemed impressed, saying, "Look at you!" He asked if I eventually told my parents, and I said yes.

He said it sounded like music was really where I expressed myself, that it had lots of meaning for me. I agreed, but said it wasn't like I made music, but had always wanted a guitar as a teen (parents wouldn't get me one). He said I didn't have to make music for it to be a form of expression.

I said how I liked singing, but people tended to be critical when I did it in front of them. That I knew some of the fundamentals from chorus. And how in elementary school, I was part of this "highly abled music students" program. I said that my mom had said, "Not sure why they accepted you into that!"
T said he had a question for me: "You tend to share a lot of negative things your mom said. Is that just what you remember? Or was it all negative? Or was it like, she said that about the music, then later than night you were all laughing together playing Uno?" I said it may have been that last option, but what stuck in my head was her other comment.

I talked more about liking to sing, but people like friend, ex, being critical of it. Like me trying to sing (along with the song) REM's "Strange Currencies" to my college boyfriend when we were struggling because of the meaning of the song, but his saying I needed more vibrato... Me wanting to sing karaoke, but H saying not to. How part of me realized that I liked to sing, maybe I should take voice lessons, but I didn't know. Because what if the instructor says I'm not good enough to take them? T: "Then **** them! Why the **** should they get to decide that?" Me (a bit jarred because he doesn't usually curse in front of me): "Uh, because they're the instructor?...Oh, I guess that means I should just find a different instructor, right?" T: "Exactly."

Was end of session. Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. Went over to desk, paid. T held out hand, saying "It's Thursday, right?" Me, shaking his hand, "Yes." T: "Then have a good weekend!" Me: "You too." As I was walking out the door, T said, "Take care," Me: "You too."