We started off with small talk about the movie Annihilation which he mentioned last session. I told him I didn't think it was any good and stopped watching it an hour in. He said he thought it was an allegory for therapy. I said Alien would have been better.

We talked about registration for my exam. I said that I wasn't feeling very swell that I wanted to be alone. I said I wanted to come every other week for therapy. That I didn't like being dependent and needed to learn how to be on my own.

He commented that I had a push pull effect. That the way I behaved was characteristic. He mentioned that I also acted that way perhaps with a lot of other guys.

I told him that I spaced out ( I dissociate sometimes ) and told him that I found it hard to hold on to things sometimes.

R:You get close to people then you withdraw. It's these feelings that you have that you are no good, worthless, you feel like if other people see these they'll be disgusted and run. I preferred to be seen as someone who was functioning. Capable.

S: I just feel like it's not enough for me. I just want too much. My child part is hungry. 2 sessions, why not 3 or 5?

R: You feel like an addict ashamed of your addiction? It's not a bad thing to depend on others. Why don't you seek out others?

S: I don't want to care about others. What's the point? I didn't have an good experience at school. Okay if it was 1 or 2 people but I'm talking about 5. I don't want to try again.

R: You feel cursed. Doomed. You believe there is only one outcome.

S: it will end badly between us. Maybe my behavior will escalate. Maybe I will turn up at your doorstep at 2am.

R: We talked about our ruptures.

I began to cry more and said that I wanted to go home. That I wanted to see my sister. I wanted comfort. That my dad did buy me pokemon cards and take us Toysrus. When I was 7 he bought me a felt farm.

R: You have happy memories. In this moment how do you feel about your parents?

S: Sad.

R: Why sad?

S: I don't feel like they really know me. If I say I want to go home it's because I'm really not well right now. (more crying) I just want to be looked after you know.

R: I have a strong feeling of what you want.But I'm just trying to figure out if your parents were ever provide this for you. It seems like your not able to cut them lose let them go and I'm wondering what it is that keeps you attached to them.

S: Lonely is so lonely alone. I'd rather have that than nothing.

R: I get the impression that this kind of obsession you have with them potentially has a damaging effect on me.

S: I don't think obsession is the wrong word.

R:How would you describe it?

S: I don't know.

R: most people have good parts and bad. What I described to him sounded very bad in terms of my upbringing. The question remained how we defined my parents behavior. Did I have any thoughts about it?

S: No i don't want to talk about it.

R:You don't want to feel understood? I'm toying with the notion that your more open to the idea that your parents did have good qualities and you feel something akin to guilt. The sense that it wasn't all them.That maybe my behaviour could have been damaging too.

(I thought would you slap your daughter for being too loud, for being a child? but said nothing) and I began to cry .

R: I feel only half connected to you. I'm not sure if what I'm saying is getting through what's not getting through.

S: Well older me would say "yeah it was your fault".

R: You feel as if my comments are a criticism of you?

S: No. Yes.

R:You seem quiet upset.

S: Just sad

R: When I leave here, what then how will you feel on the weekend after I'm gone? You'll know this was the opportunity you had to speak to me, but you spent the whole session effed up playing with the fragmented picture ( It was a card I ripped up) and crying. Maybe you'll feel like you'd like to speak to me or send me a message.

S:I don't get what you're doing right now.

R:What do you think I am doing?

S:Trying to get me angry and I'm playing with my crap because I need something.

R: You oscillate between feeling sad and angry when I try to pose a more reflective position you shut down and withdraw. You frustrate me in my attempts to understand you better.

S:Sorry for being so frustrating.
(more crying)
I don't want you to understand.

R:What do you want S?

S: I wish I was dead. I want you to go and I never want to talk to you again. Go back to your nice middle class bubble.

R:You blame me for not understanding because I live in a bubble, when it's really you not doing the talking.

S:How am I not doing the talking?

Time was up.

S:See you on the 5th.