This is a tough one.

The first time, it seemed slightly like coercion, but ended up seeming okay. He didn't ask if you were okay with having sex, and not to mention more or less took advantage of the fact that you were high. On the same note, he was also high. However, the first time, kissing him back and continuing to let him touch you probably was the 'consent' that he thought he needed.....although, it really is still iffy. I still think that sex should always have verbal consent, but maybe that's just me. You enjoyed it in the end, and that's good, so I think that experience is for you to decide yourself.

The second time however I would label as rape. He pushed himself onto you after you told him you were tired and didn't want to do that again; it was abundantly clear to him at this point that you didn't want to have sex again, but he pulled your clothes off anyway and took advantage of you. That was not okay.

Are your feelings wrong? Absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with having kinks or fantasies. Everyone has them, no matter how strange or 'wrong' they might seem to be. I agree with what Seesaw said; if you want to explore these feelings, then be very careful about them and who you are going to see. There might be a situation where things don't go over where you look back on it fondly; please vet the people you see before seeing them, and be careful!!!

Much love to you! c: