Bare with me as this will be a bit long...If you don't want to read it or just want to skim, it's fine. Sorry it's so long, I just need to vent to someone. I tried therapy and I don't think it's for me at this point in time as I only feel like talking about the issues in my life here and there not at a certain time of day each week. Thank you for understanding.

First things first I have a chronic illness. Chronic mental and physical exhaustion, I am barely able to do much at all and constantly forced myself to do normal things like just go out to a restaurant or take a walk, it's been tough but my partner got with me knowing this and he loved me regardless, constantly telling me I would get better one day and he will always be there.

Anyway, this man was very loving, down-to-earth, intelligent and an introvert as well as an unfortunately naturally anxious person who lacked self-esteem. I was with him in an extremely loving relationship for nearly 7 years. We were actually insanely perfect in how well matched we were..it was unreal and I never once had to explain myself to him nor did he to me as we just 'got' each other so well. Our conversations were deep as possible and we seemed to be one person. Over the years my chronic illness made me feel worse and worse so it weighed heavily on me making me complain more and making me anxious when I'm not typically an anxious person.

About 6 years in, he started acting REALLY strangely. He started spacing out staring a lot blankly, didn't make jokes, didn't seem to have energy to care for me at all. Like if I was sick with a cold, he would typically tend to me and have the energy for it but this him was unusual. When I injured my leg and had to walk around in crutches on top of my chronic illness, he didn't seem to have energy to care for me and sometimes even walked ahead of me not looking back. When I was upset about the death of a friend, he only said sorry and didn't console me at all. He also told me he felt 'flat' and 'tired' very often and didn't know why. He had tried to adjust his bedtime but it didn't help him feel better. I had told him to see a doctor but he refused. Then it got much worse.. he would come home from work and sit like a zombie on the couch watching the same show, not even touching the remote and he wasn't affectionate. It was VERY odd to me. Completely not himself and out of character. Even his close friend had questioned if he was okay.

Then I was started to FINALLY feel a little better for the first time in years. I had made a breakthrough meditating and doing yoga. But that's the same week he then spontaneously woke up and told me he couldn't be with me anymore because he couldn't support me, it was too much. When I had asked why, he cried and said he didn't know he just felt lost and empty. I asked if it was me and he had said he swore on everything it was definitely not me and that I was perfect.. So I let him go. I know it's weird I didn't fight or cry but I was lying, biting my lip, already dead inside from the words he had said but I wanted to show him I was strong so that maybe he would come back.

Fast forward a month or two and he did come back. I received a text from him saying something like, "I'm so sorry I hope you don't think I'm doing this on purpose, I miss you, I started seeing a therapist I'm getting help now" and he was actually going until he stopped.. then I tried to get him to see a doctor, he still refused saying he didn't believe in anti depressants and wanted to try to feel better by himself.

Fast forward another month and he stopped talking to me yet again and then a month later, started talking again. This time he said he had mental health problems and actually admitted he had depression and wanted to try to feel better. Said he felt numb and that he got nothing out of going out with friends, said distractions by going out often (despite him being an introvert) only slightly helped and it was as if he was watching life happen and not participating in it. He had breakdowns at work and hid in closets crying and hyperventilating. I tried to talk to him more to get a deeper understanding of what was going on but he refused and in fact, backed off more which led him to withdraw from me again. I tried to reel him back in and he kind of came back but then completely left and stopped responding. I only sent two texts asking if he was okay, didn't hear from you, etc but I then stopped as I didn't want to push him away any more. Maybe my lack of texts and the fact I had my own health issues to deal with made him feel like he was a burden to me as he had used that word a few times.

But now a few months have passed but this time I haven't heard from him at all. I know in that micro time-frame, he moved, bought a new car, seems to have event after event piled on his facebook calendar and seems to be hanging out with this one girl who doesn't seem fit for him and it's driving me to feel so sick every day so I have no idea who she is to him or how he could be totally fine now when he was so dead-like. I was giving him time to heal as well as myself, thinking space would be best. It makes me wonder how he could be so miserable for so many months and then just seem fine. I guess I don't know if he's actually fine or not as I haven't spoke to him yet but seeing a photo of him and a girl together made me wonder what is going on.

The thing is, I have checked his social media and he hasn't posted a thing which is kind of unlike him. He's not a social media junkie but he used to post occasionally. Upon checking his youtube, I've noticed he is watching sour stand up comedy that he wouldn't typically find humour in. Like a comedian talking about how you could fall in love with anyone (which I strongly disagree with) and how the perfect relationship doesn't exist, that you should lower your expectations etc. Nothing remotely romantic if he were in a relationship and my heart tells me he's not with anyone, my brain does too I guess as it wouldn't add up...at all but then who is this girl he's with so often? My brain is a mess, my body too. I've had the worst time sleeping in my life for weeks now and I am nearly gone.

Sorry it's so long, thanks for reading my novel. I just needed a place to post this and if you do read and reply, that would mean so much to me. Skimming is okay too since I'd understand! Thank you kindly.