"Spose I should get showered & dressed.
I'm having a bad day. Can't stop crying. Literally I'm sat on the settee with tears pouring down my face with absolutely no reason for them at all. My heartbeat & breathing are all over the place. I'm no company for my daughter. I'm not fit to be a mother. She deserves better. Far better. I actually fail to see any positive purpose to my life. I either feel a fraud because this is going on in my head while outwardly I say nothing or I tell someone I'm feeling this way & instantly feel a burden & wrong for saying anything & then maybe only a hours later feel embarrassed & a rubbish person for them to be friends with because who wants a friend that writes messages like that to them on a Saturday afternoon when they have their own life to be getting on with & they were perfectly happy & this is not what they want or expect to be having to deal with & put up with. I feel embarrassed & afraid of losing the friendship because of what I say & when I'm feeling better wonder why I said anything at all.

I'm so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of the battles in my mind. I want them to end. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't see the point of keep going through it. There's nothing at the end of it other than the prospect of doing it all over again & again & again for the next however many decades. I fail to see the point.

& yet. I know later today or maybe tomorrow or the day after or later in the week - at some point - I won't feel like this anymore. I won't even be able to understand how I could feel like this. Until it happens again.

So what do I do? Do I just accept that these days are going to happen & not sit here making it even worse by beating myself up for knowing that I should just make myself go outside the front door & do stuff even though from here, right now watching the trees blow in the wind outside is like watching an alien world that I don't belong in & the only safe place is inside my home. Do I accept that on days like this that just sitting doing nothing is OK? Because when I don't feel this way I'll make up for it and do the stuff I should be doing?

Do I see a doctor & try somehow to explain this to them? How the would I even begin to do that? If I'm feeling OK I won't even see the point of going let alone be able to explain how I feel on bad days because I can't ever imagine feeling that way ever again. & if it's a bad day the doctor won't believe I'm capable of switching back & being perfectly OK in just a matter of hours or days. They'll just conclude I'm a danger to myself & lord knows where that will end.

See. Logically I know this is temporary. So why can't I stop it?"