After 9 months of therapy I still struggle to see my therapist as “safe” although intellectually I know he probably is. It’s almost as though feeling “safe” feels unsafe and the fact that I can’t get there saddens me and makes me feel broken. For whatever reason, holding people at a distance is what feels safe for me, and that’s not how therapy is supposed to work. I’ve compensated by dividing my T into to separate people - the one I physically meet with in person each week (not safe), and the one I email (safe). With the email version I can be much more open and vulnerable in a way I just can’t in person. Ideally, I should be that way in person, but I just can’t seem to take the leap.

I’m envious when I read about others crying or even getting upset with their T in person because it seems like a level of intimacy that I can’t acheive with him. How do I get there? Should he be helping me get there? It’s already been 9 months. Is it taking too long? What do others do to feel “safe”?