I went to the cemetery today. I tried to talk to my husband and got a little bit out but it was too painful to say most of what I wanted to say. I should have written a letter and read it to him but that was too painful too. I’m no longer hypo like I was in March and I don’t want to feel the pain. I know I have to to get better. I don’t feel as angry with him anymore and I don’t feel like I can never love another human now that NV has come into my life. In fact being with NV has helped me process a lot of what has gone on with my husband. And he doesn’t even know about it honestly. I’ve processed mostly on my own.

I did hang out with my in laws for a few hours which was nice. My son was bad but he didn’t mean to be. He just doesn’t listen. It’s part of the probable ADHD. I have to learn some strategies for dealing with an ADHD child. What I’m doing isn’t cutting it, and what my mom tries to do (just yell at him until he listens) doesn’t work either.

Sigh. Tough day. I just wish I could actually see my husband again and let him know how much he hurt me. I know that’s impossible but still. A girl can dream...

I’ve been trying to find some spirituality in my life. Like I told myself that I didn’t get the first two jobs because god or the universe or whatever knows best, which I think is true. Those jobs didn’t feel right to me. I thought this third job did but now I’m worried it will be too stressful because they kept emphasizing how busy it was. But it’s something I would be good at, working in a medical office. I would be good at that, I have excellent customer service skills. I was great in retail, even though I hated it.

I don’t know. I just want to believe things will work out for me and I made the best move resigning from teaching. I mean I know I did for sure. I just hate not working.