I feel almost 100% the same as you.

I relish both my coffee making (usually with a Chemex system) and my coffee drinking.

Everything else sucks.

I drove away my final friends and lovers some months ago. I felt a need to confess to an “affair” nearly thirty-years-ago. Stupid, stupid me.

I think (alone, completely alone, now, I think) that holding on to friends and lovers is as successful as we can be. Sometimes, even in the throes of melancholy, I remember loving and being loved. I remember having and being friends. Yes, I feel these things in my brain.

I am alone. I’m in my bed for 23 ½ hours a day. You may not understand this now, but, at least you’re young. You’ve time to attempt change. That’s something to hold, something that can be shaped.

You’re not beyond redemption.