I took a red eye last night, and we were talking before I got on the plane. Then we switched to texting before I took off. He was joking and being sexy, mentioning our choice of contraception, and I joked that he was going to have to deal with it unless we were trying to get pregnant. He texted that a pregnancy would be bad. I said well it's not bad, it's just not what we're going for right now. And I asked him if he wanted anymore kids, because I just point blank need to know at this point, and he said "heck no, mine are handful."

And I just responded, I don't know what to say. I don't think we are in the same place on this.

He asked if I wanted kids. I said at least one. He said he had two beautiful kids (I dunno, almost like saying that his kids could be mine, but his kids are 9 and 11, and they have a mother). ANd I said, that's great, I don't.

And then he said let's talk about it on Tuesday. And I simply said "why, I don't expect you to change your mind and I'm not going to change mine."

Then he said it was silly to try to have the conversation over text and we would talk about it on Tuesday.

I'm really not sure what there is left to discuss? Him trying to explain to me why I should continue to see him knowing it won't go anywhere I want it to go? I know he's committed to a long-term relationship, but he doesn't want any more kids.

I know, please don't give me any flack that this was early on in the relationship or that I expected too much or that I was too optimistic or any such BS. I'm beating myself up enough as it for opening myself up to this. I made a mistake. It ****ing sucks because literally it felt like the real deal and it's never really felt that way before. This felt entirely different right from the start...

He was never perfect, and I never thought he was, but I thought he was the right amount of imperfect...but I just allowed myself, this year, to admit that I wanted a family. I've been too ashamed my whole life to admit I want it or seek it.

So it just sucks. And now I have to deal with it.

Honestly, I want a family, but I think at this point I may have to go with artificial insemination. I'd adopt if I could get someone to adopt a child to me, but I don't think that would ever happen, with my past and being single.

Seesaw