I feel safe when the door is closed.

I can’t recall what made me feel safe 33-years-ago. Back then MD/psychiatrists were also the therapists. That changed, maybe, between 2005-2011? Psychiatrists do little more than manage medications. I always insist upon having PhD/therapists. I have a problem with putting my life in the hands of those who are less educated than myself.

But, yes. Safe. It’s understandable that you would feel less exposed — and safer — when using email. It isn’t a real conversation and there’s no real person present to react to your words. I desperately need both. I need someone to ‘react,’ I need to look someone in the eyes and breathe in their humanity while I’m gushing through the garbage in my mind.

I think that you want the same?

If I were you, I would talk to your therapist about your lack of safety when you’re physically with him. I’m not certain that there’s any better way to feel safe than by lowering your guard and putting your trust in the hands of your therapist. He could betray that trust but, in all likelihood he won’t.

Even when I see a new therapist, I’m spilling the beans, no matter how small the office, once that door shuts. It feels like sinking into a bed of eiderdown. I don’t know how to tell you to let yourself fall — maybe your therapist can help.

Best of luck to you.