I have Bad English so Please try to Understand me.
I grew up without Mother, since my mother and my father split. At age 5-6 my father work away, I was stay at home with my older brother wife, and I have 2 niece aged 2 and 3. since we live in same house, I grow up more like a girl, I remember some of my classmate said that I'm a gay but I was young that time and i just ignore it.

at age 9 i was grade 4 that time when i had a crush on this girl name gliane, i remember we play and we actually holding hands that time. that time i live with my father with my step mother, same as always my father always away because of work. at age 10 I start have this rare feeling whenever i hear justin beiber voice, "well i am not a fan, u just heard it in radio and etc" in my mind i always say, i wish that is my voice. still some still asking me if am i a gay? because i have very less male friends since i am so comfortable being with girls.

grade 7 when i start having friends with male, bisexual, gays since i was on a class that called SPA Special Program in the Arts where all people with talents are here, and in my room we are only 4 boys and more than 10 gays/bisexual, and around 20+ female. also i was close having girl friend that time or maybe, hehe because we love each other since grade 6. the thing is she is in a different school, we only see each other in school events, sometimes i go into her school and just say hello, that time we talk like matured, saying "u will be my gf/bf when we are older" since we are 13 years old.

at grade 8 everything change, lots of family problems, i run away home, i was so depress i was bully at school because i became addicted to video games, but i know my self why i became addicted because my father was sick, and i dont even know where is my mother and me and my step mom are not friends we are so enemies, so i run away home even though i dont know where to go. i remember sleeping at a church since i am a actor at school "theater arts" i have good acting and i also have innocent face. i live like 1-2 days at church when i saw my half brother in my mother side. for almost 9years i finaly see my mother "that time i was missing" until my mother go to my old school to get some requirements to transfer.

when i live with my mother i had a girl friend, we meet during amatured singing contest. we text and talk until we like each other, but it didnt last long since my i start to hate my mother because she is different, its like she protect her reputation. it happen when my mothers friend ask who i am, and she answer that im adopted.

that time i start playing video games again, until i run away from my mother and go back from my father. i was 15 years old when i became so depress like i wish i never born in this world. at age 15 i dont feel love or like/crush on a girl with same age as me, its like i more likely fall inlove in a adult woman. still nothing change some people still asking me if am i straight or not. when i try to look at my self and describe my self, i am talkative/chaty, no or less male friends, im skinny. at age 16 i start feeling different, its like i feel afraid or like i want to close my eyes when i look at a magazine that sells underwear, boxer for men,

i dont know why sometimes i feel like so nervouse but when i look at shirtless woman i feel like nothings its like its normal for me. also i started to like looking at my arms or body. also since 15 years old, my eyes is so attractive to cute kids (boy) and white people, but i never show it its like i can handle my self, i can control it, im fighting it. also at age 16 im already matured and i loss interest in having relationship, and i have that skill set where i can easily adjust in different situation like if im talking to a male/boy i can adjust, or if im talking to a girl/gay i can also adjust, and still i dont feel that im a gay, because when i try to compare my self to them, when a gay like someone they kinda show it, while me i just hide it. also im afraid to look at the eye, like I cant really look at the person that attract me specially in the eye,

now im 18 i am so confuse with my sexuality, i dont have interested having a relationship with a woman, but im so friendly with them like i treat them as my older os younger sister. yes i think i like men, also im afraid buying my own underwear, i dont play basketball, i dont drink, i dont smoke. Can someone help me? some advice about my condition? i have a very emotional and very critical mental health when i was 15-16 i try to suicide once but i was afraid, and im lucky that i dont drink. I also have lots of family problem, since i feel like i born in this world by accident.