Take a step back from your feelings and try to see this as temporary. If it weren't for your illness you would feel fine. It's not who you really are. You don't self sabotage on purpose. Take it easy on yourself. I've done the same thing many times. I've self sabotaged all my life, but not on purpose. I give myself lots of slack. I'm ill. I don't want to be, but it's my reality. Things can get better. Don't give up on yourself.