T today. Sat down. I asked if he'd heard about...something bad that happened in our area recently (not being specific to avoid disclosing my location). He had, and we both talked about how sad it was. I mentioned a personal connection to the location and said maybe finding out what had happened partly triggered my .
Then I said, "I'm sorry I'm being so depressing." I paused a second, then said, "OK, I just apologized to a therapist for being depressing" and started laughing. T laughed, too.

I mentioned how in previous session we'd discussed my fear of being a burden. And I said it came up again, because I was worried he had seen my e-mail last night and thought, "Ugh, why did I agree to work Memorial Day, now I have to deal with LT." T (looking confused): "We were already scheduled for today." Me: "I know, I meant in general that you could have been doing something else on Memorial Day." T: "You know you're not the only person I'm seeing today." Me: "Yeah, I figured that." T: "You aren't a burden."

I said the main reason I was concerned was how when we saw ex-MC on a holiday once, he made a comment that he wished he was sitting in his backyard grilling, but he decided to be responsible and come to work. Which bothered me. T made a face and said, "Why would he say that?" Me: "I don't know. It made me feel like he didn't want to be there with us." T: "I'd feel the same way. Clearly he didn't think before he said that." He added that I wasn't a burden.
I mentioned the e-mail I'd sent last night and how I'd hoped it hadn't bothered him. T: "I usually get an e-mail like that every 10-14 days from a client or a client's parent (he sees teens). And maybe once a month with something like what you did, saying, 'make sure we talk about this next session.' It's pretty common. It didn't bother me at all."

I said I guessed we should talk about actual topic of e-mail. I said I hated how I could mostly be feeling OK, then those sorts of feelings could come on.
He said if he had to describe me, at least from the outside looking in, he'd say "emotionally labile." That I tend to feel things very deeply, that they affect me intensely. I said I agreed with that. I had mentioned before that I'd been drinking the night before, and T said how alcohol can affect that, can keep you from being able to regulate your emotions as well. He said alcohol tends to affect the brain from "the outside in." Me: "What do you mean?" T went into a rather detailed explanation of it first affecting...some part of the brain, "the ridgy part on the outside." Me, "Is that the technical name?" T: "Yes, that's what it's called in all the textbooks." He said it then affected the prefrontal cortex, which is reason and executive function (I think!)

Basically his point was that my ability to deal with my emotions (or anyone's) declines when I drink. So he wondered if the thoughts tended to happen more when I was drinking. i said I thought so, that I kind of felt I should try tracking them and had tried a few times, but I wasn't consistent about it. He said he also wondered if it could be at all hormonal, like related to my cycle (pretty sure this is the first time my menstrual cycle was broached in therapy with him...) I said that i was often more irritable or emotional on certain days, but last night wasn't one of those days. I mentioned how Fitbit now has an option to track the cycle. T (who also has a Fitbit): "I didn't realize that." Me: "Well, you're a guy, so...you probably wouldn't! It's a little weird though, because it will say 5 days until..." (I couldn't say the word "period.")

I said I knew I had to work on the drinking, too. That...I felt I had to be accountable to someone. T: "Yes, that's why AA does the whole 90 meetings in 90 days thing." Me: "I don't want to do AA though." T: "I know, just using that as an example of how it helps to be accountable to someone." Me: "I don't really feel like I can be accountable to H." T: "No, because you're sort of...not codependent, but you both drink." Me: "Yes, though he's been drinking less lately." T: "Interesting." I said I thought it was mostly due to H trying to lose weight though to get his BP down for doctor's appointment.

Then I said, "Would it be possible to be accountable to you?" T: "Sure, if you think it would help you." Me: "I think? Just someone to tell, say, how much I drank." T: "I'm not sure what you'd want me to do with the information." Me: "Really just knowing I have to report the amount to someone would help me." T: "OK." Me: "I had asked ex-MC about that at one point and he said he couldn't be the person I was accountable to. So I'm glad you're OK with it."

I said how I will set goals, then not make them, feel bad about myself and drink. T said that's what tends to derail people, say, on diets. He mentioned about how some diet has one cheat meal a week, where you can eat anything, so you're not expected to be perfect. How I should celebrate the victories, like if I hit my goal 5 of 7 days, that's great! Not give up because I missed 2 days. I said, "Even like if it was that I wanted another beer but didn't have one. Which is a victory even if I had 6 beers earlier that day." T: "Exactly. That's still progress."

Talked about needing to come up with alternatives to drinking and things I associate with it. I said I was reluctant to mention one part, because of what he'd said before, how I'd mentioned feeling really welcome at bars/restaurants where we were regulars, and he'd said "You could probably feel really welcome at a crackhouse, too." How that comment hadn't bothered me at first, that I'd gotten what he'd meant, but then later, thought he was comparing me to crack addict. T: "I don't specifically recall saying that, but it sounds like something I would say."

I mentioned the bar/restaurant where I'd been yesterday, how H, D, and I had been there together for a bit, then D wanted to leave, but H said I could stay. How I felt really welcomed there, the bartenders came over and chatted with me, seemed really happy to see me, bringing me free shots of Grand Marnier (to do together). T said he sees how that could be difficult to replace somewhere else. I said maybe a coffee shop? He said he didn't know. I said they could bring me espresso shots. He said then I'd be really wired. I said maybe then I'd be more productive getting work done?

I talked more about failing to reduce drinking so far. That I felt I should be able to do it, especially if it's partly for the sake of my daughter. But I guess that's why it's considered an addiction. T: "Pretty much everyone out there is struggling with something. You're not alone in that." That felt very validating and nonjudgmental.

We were almost out of time. T said he had a question for me: In terms of emotions, did I think I was mostly affected by my environment, or was it more internal, from inside my head? Me: "Hm...I'm not sure." T: "Because I get the sense it's more the environment for you, such as what's going on with H." Me: "Hm, see I thought maybe a mix of the two." T: "That could be, this is just my opinion on the outside looking in."

Scheduled, he also confirmed Thursday at 1. Went over and paid while chatting about things I could work on before next session (like making list of things I could do instead of drink). He shook my hand (without saying anything, which is odd for him). Then he said "Take care, I'll see you in a few days." (Different from his usual endings.) I said, "You too, see you then." I'm not sure how well I conveyed this, but T seemed very compassionate and reassuring throughout session. They were some difficult topics for me to discuss, and he seemed fairly unfazed by them (which makes me feel safer addressing them in the future with him) and also quite caring.