the first time i've admitted to si was on here a week or so ago, i havn't been able to tell my therapist and i'm scared that if i do, it will tip me over the edge and i'm so close to the edge right now. I have no idea how to take a step back because all my safeguards that used to work for me have shrivelled away, they no longer do anything, the pain from facing my past in therapy is just too much and i need a release but i know the normal things i do won't be enough and i'm scared i'll go too far but at the same time i'm exhausted from trying to hold back, if i thought that maybe next week i'd feel better or even next month or next year, at least it would be something to hold onto but right now there just seems no way out. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to stop this, I didn't want to do it anymore but i'm just not as strong as i hoped i was
Sorry for going on, just needed to tell someone how i was feeling

queenie