I have a new nickname for the place I am supposed to go to for mental health care. I'd share it, but it would be censored. I asked my mom to call because I'd ask one thing and they'd screw me over and I'd flip out at them and they'd probably block my number. I have other phones so if they did that I'd just keep calling from landlines, other people's cells, neighbors phones, the library, and that'd be harassment which I don't want to do because that's wrong but they would be deserving of it. They probably don't want to improve the functioning of their patients because then we would get them shut down.

Yesterday I saw a couple people I used to hang out with back when I was manic most of the time. Brought back a lot of memories and for a second I thought "maybe I really am unwell," just because back then I obviously was. Except if I was unwell I would think the people that are supposed to support me like my family and my doctor would be willing to help out a bit instead of ruining my sleep, keeping me from medication, stressing me out, and being unbearably passive aggressive. I KNOW if I go to the hospital it's not going to be any different. They're going to blame me, make me feel like crap, put me with a smelly snoring hyposomniac roommate, put me on meds that will make me worse probably put PCP in with whatever they put me on, and then send me home just as "delusional" and probably much more suicidal, possibly homicidal because THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT. I'll be 5x crazier and do something and wind up in jail because I can't do crap in jail and that's also what they want.

I'm going to go paint a fence. That sounds like a safe activity free from harm.