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Years ago, I had a “troubling time” in my life. I consider it a breaking point. It was painful. It was scary. It was necessary, and although I couldn’t see it at the time, it was one of the better things that happened to me. I was able to break out of my downward spiral.
Long story short, I was on the WRONG medication for almost 8 years. Back then, there weren’t commercials warning that medication could make you worse. Depression turns into suicidal tendencies. I thought it was all me. Just me. Just MY crazy. I was on the highest dose of Welburtrin XL. I was, also, on several other medications due to the side effects of it all (migraines 5-6 days of the week, nauseous or vomiting every day, heightened anxiety, insomnia, etc.) And then, I had a major surgery. My normal every day medication was topped off with the pain killers. I ended up having a total mental break on day 8 after my surgery. So with over 200 stitches in my chest, my family ended up calling the authorities on me. I was made to be an inpatient for a required 10 days (they let me go on day 7 though).
It took almost 2 years to wean me off all my medications. During that process (specifically the exit exam after leaving the hospital), a Psychiatrist gave me a new “label.” I did not for a second believe him. I thought he was making a split second diagnosis (and at the time that movie “Girl Interrupted” was very popular) since he had never seen me before or since. 10 years later, I think he might have been right. But I have NO IDEA what to do with it now.
Since, I am no longer on medication, almost HALF of the symptoms are nonexistent. However, the ones that remain are… undeniable. I still have depression, SAD, social anxiety disorder, insomnia, and now… borderline personality disorder.
I don’t self harm, make impulsive decisions, sleep around, etc., but I can NOT make lasting connections with others. Not family, not even with pets. I just thought I was a hopeless introvert. And maybe that is true, but I’m worried it’s so much more than that. My attachment/detachment/abandonment issues… I don’t know how to fix myself… connect to people without the inevitable feelings of betrayal or abandonment occurring. Not even an inkling. I don’t want to be forcing myself into isolation FOREVER. I want to at least be able to connect with my family. I don’t know where to begin. Therapy isn’t possible at the moment.
How can I “read up” on borderline personality disorder if half of the symptoms don’t fit me? And only fit me when I was on the wrong medication? Does it still apply? Can the parts about interaction with others still apply to me? I’m just accepting this, and don’t know where to go from here, but I’m starting to feel desperate. I don’t want to lose/push the few people I have in my life away.
Does any one have experience with this or have any suggestions?
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For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. -Cynthia Occelli 
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