I am doing better since I posted last. I started Ketamine infusion treatment. It is helping me.

I do have a lot of IRL stress going on, things that matter to me so I’m having tears regularly. Not stay in bed crying, all day. But just a way of my body releasing some emotions.

Have had two families come look at my house, which went on the market a week ago. Our realtor gives me two hours notice via phone. For a quick vacuum and straightening up. My house is on a whole new level of clean and clutter-free now, as a result.

My therapist unexplicably is not contacting me back. A highly experienced, supposedly very good PTSD therapist. She has lied to me about the course of our treatment. I’ve spent thousands for ten sessions so far. She has overshared way too much in therapy. She is VERY financially motivated. She doesn’t remember what we did in sessions and these are weekly sessions. Maybe she forgot I’m a client.

I’m very discouraged about therapy now. I have had bad experiences with therapists. The clinical psychologist at the Ketamine center did a two-hour session with me during my first treatment. It was very helpful. She isn’t my official therapist, though.

I had my second Ketamine treatment yesterday and she wants me to stay in therapy. She knows I have (had?) a PTSD therapist and my pdoc wanted me to do EMDR. The psychologist wants me to do it, too, and thinks I’m ready. I am. But I no longer trust my PTSD therapist. There is no therapeutic bond and I think there never was one. %#&#-

My functioning is a lot higher since I posted last, especially agoraphobia. My depression has substantially lifted. My pdoc raised my Lexapro, which is a good med for me, and I think that and the Ketamine therapy helped.

I slept a full night’s sleep last night! My chronic pain is better, which is amazing. I realized that a lot of my chronic pain is triggered by stress and anxiety.

I am having stressful times and stressful times are in my future. I am trying very hard to help regulate my moods. I’m taking my meds, keeping appointments, and I even was able to go to some non-pdoc appointments I put off for over ten years due to psychological...reasons.

I have been angry and I’ve not suppressed it, which is progress for me. Anger is a complicated emotion for me.