Whew. I was close to getting sent to the hospital today. At one point I thought I would leave feeling much worse than last week, which I thought was impossible. It turned out okay in the end....

I started off by telling her how awful my week was: how much I slept over the weekend/how much pain I was in with clenching my jaw overnight. Then she asked if I could talk about what has been feeling so bad lately. She has sensed I leave with a lot of anger (at myself), and she is right. She told me that she doesn't want her clients to consisitenly feel worse after each session, years down the road, that she is concerned I still feel this way.

I told her that as much as my childhood lack of memory and all the issues surrounding my premature birth drive me crazy (and they do), I think I need to close the shutter down on it. Whenever we talk about it, I feel worse, and SU. She said that it does seem like it is re-traumatizing me, and she doesn't want me to be more traumatized than I already am.

I agree with her, and while I didn't go down this path because I know it probably would have gone in circles again, is that I will try to close down this part of my life, but man it is DIFFICULT. I just want a sense of coherence about my childhood and who I am today. I think what she wants me to do is accept that I don't have it, and focus more on the present. That is going to be very difficult. I don't know why this is so hard for me, I really don't, but I also know that talking about it and hearing what she thinks only makes me feel SU.

At this point (TRIGGER WARNING)



She asked to talk about it some more, so I tried. I told her that I felt deeply broken, and she was telling me I needed to accept it and move on. She really had to think about what she was saying next to me (aka: she sighed and said "how do i say this?" lol), and said she doesn't want to negate my feelings of being deeply broken, and she isn't saying she wants to gloss over those feelings, but that it seems I am really stuck in therapy. (she is right) She said that when someone is really stuck, that sometimes a new perspective is needed, or a break of a few weeks to think about how things are without therapy.

I told her it might not make much sense to her, but therapy is usually the one thing that lets me get through the week. She went "Even if if leaves you feeling horrifyingly awful?" I said yep, and I couldn't tell her why. I think that surprised her. I told her that I do think I put a large onus on her and therapy to help me. She agreed and said that it seems all my eggs are in this one basket, and that it isn't necessarily helpful.

I keep turning that phrase around, trying to find a way to be upset or offended by it, but she is right. I ONLY have that one basket, so naturally, all my eggs are in it. I think she knows that, and she didn't say it in a judgemental way. She wants a goal of mine is to be self-compassionate. I told her if I was in a better mood, I'd find that comical. I said it was like asking me to go from A-Z, but she was forgetting about B-Y.

She said okay, she was willing to help me out from B-Y, and to try and spend this week thinking about a goal, or a new perspective, or "refresh button" that we could work on next week.

I really don't knjow what to think about all of this. I do know, that I didn't leave feeling SU as I did last week, and it was a really scary few minutes where I thought I would. I told her that I can't just go home and say "Alright, I am going ot like myself today!" She said she understood that, but that is something we can work on. She kept repeating that she wasn't going to allow me to keep this intense self-hatred as a "goal." She will always move towards compassion.

She is right in that I don't know how to move out of it, or even if I want to. She said that we can talk about that.

I still feel "wrong" just letting go of my past (or lack of memory, really), because it really does drive me insane--but as she said, it is re-traumatizing me, and that isn't helpful. I think for now, for my sanity, I have to.

Has anyone gotten to a point in therapy where you were like, "Okay, SOMETHING needs to change, (its either that or I choose the ultimate way out)," but you don't know what, or if you want to, or if you can?

It is frightening.