I actually realized something: there was actually a time back in the day when I was good at letting my thoughts float and distracting myself, I just lack the mental energy to do it these days because there was a time back in the day that I would just ignore all the tensions in my mind, which indeed had its advantages, but also had the disadvantage that I didn't know how to listen to the voice in the back of my mind telling me that I had sold out and that I wasn't being myself.