My session started today with my therapist welcoming my request to spend some time in silence together so that I could try to get myself organized and transition from the “outside world” to the session. It was helpful in that it prevented me from the typical start of session rambling, but I was still disappointed in how focused I was on distilling my thoughts into a coherent theme. It’s so hard to let go of the idea that I need to articulate everything clearly.

I settled on talking about trying to “find a place” in my life - a place where I feel centered and as if I belong, and where I’m not swinging chaotically between the competent, coherent version of myself and the vulnerable, inarticulate version.

The long weekend was kind of horrid for me. I know by now that long weekends and especially holidays when I don’t have my kids are difficult. I don’t want to horn in on others’ plans with their families, so I keep to myself. Initially it feels like a reprieve because there isn’t anyone to be responsible to or for. But it always descends into a lonely funk. I stay up too late, sleep too late, don’t accomplish any of the plans I make for myself, and feel like ****.

I tried to explain how this feeling catapulted me into reactivating my online dating account, and then almost immediately regretting having done so a few hours later. My therapist encouraged me to talk about what I’m looking for in a relationship, setting aside the limitations of dating humans.

We’ve had this conversation before. I have a sense about what I want, but it’s usually overpowered by the nagging question, “Who am I to have desires when I’m so undesirable?” She acknowledged the thought/fear, and kept encouraging me to identify what I want.

The session was fine. I said things, she said things. I tried as best as possible to participate in the stream of conversation, tracking her questions and offering mostly coherent, semi-intelligent responses. But my vulnerable self was hidden, or set aside. She wanted me to accept this for what it was.

But I left without talking about how my longing for her, or more broadly for the kind of maternal warmth I’m seeking also contributed to me reactivating my dating profile. I know I can’t get from her what I wish for, and that I need to be a grown up and engage in messy, reciprocal relationships if I want to get my needs met. But my resistance to dating (read: sex, intimacy) is real. As is my resistance to meeting my own gd needs. It just makes me tired.