Wow. I feel like this post could have been written by me 15 years ago when I saw my first therapist. I felt so similar to this. In between sessions I'd come up with all kinds of things that I wanted to talk about, but once I got there I couldn't express any of them. And she just filled the time talking about some helpful and some not helpful stuff. That therapy experience made me worse, not better.

Some of it was her fault. She was the professional, she should have been able to help me open up more. But it's never all one person's fault in a relationship. And besides, I can only control myself, not the other person. And over the years, here are some of the things that I have learned about being a client:

1) I pay them. Not the other way around. That means that I have every right to ask for what I need, politely tell them if something they said hurts my feelings, and fire them if I have to.
2) When I know that I need to tell them something, but feel like I can't, it helps a lot to write it down and hand it to them, or email them or send them a letter in the mail. It's so much easier to express myself when they aren't sitting there looking at me.
3) Those guys can't read my mind, no matter how much I wish they could. Generally they have no idea they have messed up until I tell them.
4) A therapist who responds to polite criticism thoughtfully and non-defensively is worth keeping, even if they aren't perfect in every other way, at least for awhile.
5) A therapist who gets defensive and angry will never, ever work for me.
6) I feel so much better when I express myself honestly with them...even if I cry and even if I have to do it by handing them a note. In fact forcing myself to do it, and feeling proud of myself for doing it, has been the most helpful part of therapy period. Anything else I really can get from a self-help book. But the relationship is irreplaceable.