Well... it is true, I've read, that getting on antidepressants can be a bit of a troublesome time. Prior to starting AD's a person may feel too worn down & despondent to try to harm themselves. But, as the AD's begin to take effect, the person may begin to have the energy to do what they were too beat down to do before. So there may, in fact, be something to be concerned about here. Hopefully you're seeing a therapist with whom you can talk about how you're feeling... or someone else in real life you can talk to. It's important, I believe, to find some way to process the thoughts you're dealing with so that they don't just keep rattling around in your brain.

If you happen to have stumbled onto some of my replies, to various other members' posts, you may already be aware that my go-to technique for dealing with my own negative thoughts is a practice referred to as "compassionate abiding". Perhaps you're familiar with it? Here's a link to a description of the practice just in case you're not:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

Beyond that, I think the only thing I can say is that there's no shame in taking antidepressants... any more than there is in taking any other type of med. But, of course, intellectually I suspect you already know that. Knowing it, & accepting it for yourself, can be two different things. Please take care...