Hello PeckOfDust: Welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this mental confusion. You know... we here on PC cannot diagnose you. That's a job for a mental health professional. It may or may not be "in the cards" for you to see a therapist. But, being that you're 15, I presume you're still in school. So I wonder if, perhaps, there is a school counselor you could talk to. I always think it's important to have someone to talk this sort of thing through with. Continuing to let all of these thoughts rattle around in your brain is a prescription for ongoing confusion & distress, in my opinion.

I don't think your desire for sympathy & understanding is stupid or weird or anything like that. A lot of us who are here on PC are here because we have no one in real life we can turn to for support... & yes even sympathy. We all need it from time-to-time. I don't know what happened to you to make you feel so needy & down on yourself. But I do hope that, in some way, you can find someone to talk with. Posting here on PC can certainly help too. And I hope you continue to do so. But there's no substitute for in-real-life help.

By the way, since you're still in your teens... there's a teens forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you. (No adults allowed.) Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/teens-lounge/

My best wishes to you...