I have never been the kind of girl/then woman that had oodles of friends, but in my youth I always had a few at least. I would say that it was more often my doing than other peoples'. Really thinking about it, I don't think I've ever been capable of giving enough to many people. That has often been the problem.

Just before, through, and after the worst of my illness struck, the few friends I had disappeared. Again, mostly my doing. Actually, at the time(s) I used to blame them, but now that I've stabilized and really processed my past, I do believe it was more a combination of my doing and the doing of my bipolar behavior.

Let me say that I did have one good friend that stuck with me for a while into my worst years. A while before, she was fired from the workplace at which she met. That often causes a distance. But we found each other again, but she was not an everyday friend anymore, but a once per week or every other week friend. She dropped away even further when she had twin babies. I never had children, so we stopped having much to talk about.

I started to really isolate at one point. I wasn't even communicating with my siblings or father that much. Not because I don't love them, but again, because giving to others became so difficult. They actually had their own lives, too.

I do have a few friends that are out there that I rarely communicate with, including the one I mentioned with the twin babies. I used to occasionally touch base with them through Facebook, but then I closed my Facebook account for a particular reason. The caused even more distance. Just recently two of those friends contacted me. I responded, but I haven't responded again to a follow-up e-mail from one, and the other has yet to respond back to me. It could be months before she does. Frankly, the next time I hear from the friend with the twins might be Christmas, in the form of a picture card. Both remember my birthday, so contact me then. I'm embarrassed that I don't remember their birthdays. Do I seem horrible, or what? I used to at least get notifications of them via Facebook, but with no Facebook I no longer know.

I am thinking of creating a new Facebook account just to rectify the disadvantages I mention above. If I do, it will be a bare bones account with no links to anything else I write, and any posts will be ones that I'd feel safe having anyone in the world read.