Hey, I'm kind of new here, I've been using psychcentral's mood tracker for about an year, but I don't come to this section. I've been seeing my neurologist because I have epilepsy. I have always had periods of apathy and emptiness, no will to live. At the same time, I have had times where I would become hyperactive, sleeping only 3 hours, planning lots of things, talking too much, all this with either a great disposition or very irritated and hostile when people would try to get in my way. I never lost conscience of what I was doing. When I started my epilepsy medication (Keppra), these things, specially the depressive ones, became more intense. Then, after 6 months, all the intensity reduced again. I told this to my neurologist and he gave me 25mg of Zoloft, said it was something to do with some mood problems.
I'm now 20, first year of college. These last 3 weeks I've been drinking everyday, arriving home drunk or not even making it home; I lost 100€ and I still don't know how, and I spent all my money on beer, cigarettes and what else that I have no clue. I spent 2 days in a row drunk, didn't sleep not even an hour, I remember. I have a girlfriend for 3 years and a half, and I cheated on her - I kept hanging around with this girl from college, I even ended up spending the night at hers. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't feel self-aware. Not even now, I am. I went out last night and arrived at 7am - this girl was with me, but left with a guy and I felt like crap the whole night. Now it's almost 8pm and I spent the whole day crying alone at home, punching walls - panic. I feel so depressed that I just can't deal with this anymore, I crave to die, to hurt myself til I'm unconscious.

I've always been responsible, I called a 24 health line, they asked me all the symptoms and they said I must go to the hospital, but I don't want to because I have no one to go with me, and I'm probably going to be there the whole night, also I quit taking Zoloft when I started feeling great because I felt super great and I didn't needed it anymore.

I think this chick triggered me this depression. I don't what's wrong with me, if this bipolar or some other disease but I just really need someone to help me and motivate me to take care of myself.

By the way, I'm not from the usa