I've asked myself this same question so many times. I've always answered "no" to this. There's another question I ask myself though, and that's "do I want to give myself a chance for it to be a tolerable life for me?" Usually the answer to that is "yes", but there have been two occasions that the answer was "no" and I've even given myself "just last to this age" requirements. I'm approaching one of those reqs in about 3 months. I too idealize suicide so I know the struggle for you. I don't really have any advice beyond trying to give yourself a chance and not letting others make you miserable because they don't deserve that power over you. I know it's much easier said than done, though.