** May trigger: ref to SI and ODing**

Ok this is just a vent to try to stop me from doing anything stupid.

no i havent been drinking so i am not feeling depressed because of that but ever since i got up today i have been feeling really pretty down. i love going in chat but i wish i could be invisible in there recently... i wish i could just hover there and have nobody see me but still get the support there. But no i have to see my name up on there. but then if nobody talked to me there i would feel ignored lol. i cant win that lol. all the arguments that take place there in chat upset me too... i know we cant all agree all the time, but sometimes things get a little alarming.

anyway... i have been feeling pretty self-destructive recently, not in a suicide way though, but more with intent to hurt myself. it is so stupid, there is no reason for it. i am just wanting to risk myself at the moment and i know that if anything did happen to me, my defences are so low i dont know how i would be able to cope with it. but doing things like walking around the city at 4am, i did that in December. it scared me a bit because it was a lot quieter than i had expected, but the high i was on when i got back home was great. so i am planning on going for a walk today, just getting out in the fresh air you know and getting exercise which is meant to help depression. And if I happen to wander through a rough area on the way... so what? all the better. this is so stupid...

and i am wanting to SI, and drink, and OD. part of the reason why i want to OD is from the desire to hurt myself but i am scared of going too far and since i am alone in my room i cant exactly get help and ODing is so stupid i know but i still want to do it, maybe getting outside will distract me but then i can buy stuff to OD with, this is sounding soooo messed up. i havent even ODed before, or rather i have but by just one tablet so i cant exactly call that an OD.

i see my counsellor this Wednesday but i dont know, i do like her and she does seem unjudgemental but i am not sure she fully understands, she is going to ask me why i have restarted SI-ing and I dont know why. ok i am depressed but it's not like it is unbearable and i dont know as well if i can tell her about how kind of self-destructive i have been feeling, i dont want to freak her out. she might get the wrong idea and think i want to kill myself when i dont.

and here i am with no reason for the depression, ppl here have all sorts of complicated reasons for it and it just seems stupid to have depression for no reaso n, i know it is possible and that i shouldnt downplay it because if it is affecting me then it is important, blah blah blah, but still it is pretty pointless. and i dont want to go on meds either, but i also dont want to end up suicidal again. but as somebody on chat pointed out this morning, maybe i will feel better if i got myself a boyfriend. Right. NOT. as i have a;lready said, i dont trust men and i dont want a boyfriend, not now anyway.

and this whole post is pointless, just self-pitying trash, feel free to delete it if i dont