Hi again
Thank you so much for replying to my post guys..... it really made feel better
I know beating myself up is unhealthy and I shouldn't be doing it, but I can't help it. I can't stop. It's almost like I don't want to stop, which makes it hard for me to believe I'm trying to get better T.T
Maybe I'm just using it as an excuse to avoid responsibilities(I'm sorry...... that thought just comes into my mind naturally).
I started self harming two weeks ago after I convinced myself that I have these thoughts simply because I'm a messed up person. I also have suicidal thoughts from time to time, but again I tell myself I'm being dramatic.
I just wanna stop altogether. My mindset is my own demise and I have no hopes of changing it.
Seeing a therapist would be unthinkable -- my dad would never approve. The thought of seeing a school counselor scares me, but maybe I'll try it after exams are over. I've heard some bad rumours about them though.
P.S I've taken some online depression tests online and all the tests say I have moderate to severe depression, but my more logical side finds that unlikely. The questions themselves already seem too generic, and I'm not even sure if I answered with complete honesty.
P.S to SeekerSeeking: I've been trying to find out why I'm like this, and I found a possible cause. In my school, people who emote through means other than laughing than are made fun of. Interactions are shallow and meaningless(maybe that's cuz I don't have any real friends but whatever). Could this somehow relate to my current state of mind?

Again, sorry if I offended anyone. Also, sorry for the long rant and wasting your time. Thanks so much just for reading.