Also, I would add that M did leave me once early this year in January. It's one of the typical side of his messy character, in order to get things in order (start of class) he wanted it to be perfect. For example, he would write tons of pages on his 'plan' to improve and then shred them. If he wants to start something new, he wants to start it at the 1st day of the month. It's sort of like an OCD (not clinically diagnosed, just a minor characteristic like it, to make it easy to explain). So he sent me a goodbye email ( we had a fight in late december and I stopped talking), and said how our good times were like heaven but our bad times really drag him down. He was angry too, blaming me for a lot of things, especially my opinions of him when we start fighting, it brings him down. We always apologize and move on after our fights, and he brings me down too during our fights but he prefers to see me as the evil one of the two. However, I was worried when he was not online after 1 week. I agreed to the goodbye, cried a lot but I found it strange that he who comes online everyday, was not online for a week. Again, I panicked if something happened to him. Despite all odds, I tried everything I could to get to him. I told him to reply with a blank email if he is alright and just ignoring me, it is all I need. I needed to know that he is okay and alive, just ignoring on purpose. Went to people from some forums we both were involved in, and despite all odds. Really wrecked my brain on how to get to him. What worried me most if he didnt even send me a blank email to answer that he is ok. It's all I needed to confirm. He on the other hand, discovered that I do care about him. WAITED until he had plenty of time so he can write so many things down for me. Not even caring how I felt while he waited for the right time. A blank email was NOT hard. So he came back, wanting to continue. He admitted that he convinced himself that i did not care about him or about us as much as he did (I don't do emotions or show them to him much. I have these things he called 'walls'. but he knew I was attached to him as he was after our countless cycles of fights and reconciliation). He admitted that he overreacted. I was angry of course. Promised not to let him in again. He was selfish. His life was messy and he was blaming me for it. He also apologised to me for 'bringing me into his chaos'. But we reconciled, as always. This time H was still uninvolved. and now here we are.